How to Criticize
You have a criticism of the behaviour of a person, and you need to say something about it. It’s a situation that none of us likes to be in, but it’s one we all have to face many times in our life.
Criticism sometimes implies disapproval of something bad, and we don’t like to do subject people to this in case we hurt their feelings. But there is a way to offer criticism that is not hurtful and will have a positive result.
How our criticism is received depends on our intent. It can be positive when it is constructive and given with the best interests of the person being criticized in mind. It can help the person improve or make their life better by nudging them toward a certain course of action or a new way of behaving. We all grow when we give constructive criticism, especially when we do it meaningfully.
But the big question is how to make sure our criticism has that effect and at the same time does not cause the other person undue emotional pain. To achieve this, I think three things are essential: preparation, rehearsal and action.
Preparation
Meditate: set time apart to give the problem a great deal of thought.
Using Emotional Intelligence, examine our own feelings around the problem.
Using our outside Objective Self, analyse the situation honestly.
Using Empathy, try to see the problem from the other person’s viewpoint.
Perhaps Consult Experts on the subject.
These steps allow us to see the situation clearly. We will know how we feel; we will have looked at all sides of problem; and we will know what the experts say about how to handle the challenge.
Rehearsal
Before we speak to the other person to offer our criticism, we must resolve
To ask permission to speak honestly.
To make the meeting a conversation, not a lecture.
To be specific: speak directly about the problem.
To stick to facts.
To keep emotions out of the conversation.
To make the conversation about the action that requires to be changed.
To NOT make it about the person.
To give positive suggestions.
To ask the person what they think about the situation.
To ask the person what they think can be done.
Once we have a clear mental picture in our minds of the problem, and what action we have to take to resolve it, we are now ready to deal with the situation.
Action
Set up the meeting.
Choose a private location where there will be no interruptions.
Start the conversation with positive statements.
Let the person know you love and respect them.
Point out good facets of their behaviour.
Ask if you can give some constructive criticism.
State the problem clearly and factually.
State clearly how the criticism will help them.
Give your suggestions as to what you would like to see happen.
Ask the person for their opinion of the problem.
Ask for their suggestions as to what can be changed.
Be open to discussion.
Be open to seeing the other person’s point of view.
Be open to the fact that they may not agree that there is a problem.
Be open to the fact that they may not agree that it is your problem.
Be open to the fact that they may not want to change.
A final word of advice: Many people will voice their criticism to everyone else but the person who is being criticized. This must be avoided at all costs. Criticism is the business of the two people involved—and no one else.